


Fragile

by Cats_Dont_Float



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Childhood Trauma, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 09:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19438330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cats_Dont_Float/pseuds/Cats_Dont_Float
Summary: Dave has more problems than he'll ever tell anybody. Being touched by anybody gives him horrible flashbacks to a time he'd rather forget, but touch starvation makes him crave the touch of one person in particular.(Read the tags for trigger warnings please)





	Fragile

When he first reaches the meteor, Dave won't let anybody touch him. When Terezi tries to touch his face to 'see' him, he pushes her away with so much force that she slams backwards into the wall. He apologises more times than necessary, before he rushes away. Things like this happen multiple times, until the group learn not to touch Dave unless entirely necessary. It's weird, but nothing compared to some of the problems the others have, and nobody questions it. He can feel Rose watching him curiously sometimes, but every time she starts with her attempted therapy sessions, he quickly finds an excuse to get away from there. Then one day, as the two of them are sat on the roof of one of the buildings on the meteor, looking out at space around them, her hand brushes against Dave's, and he jumps back like she's burnt him.  
"Okay, really, what's going on with you?" She asks as he tries to calm himself. He gets to his feet, but she grabs the back of his cloak and tugs him down. "Dave, talk to me. If you never want to talk about it again, then that's fine, but you really need to talk to someone."  
Dave lets out a long sigh, and doesn't speak for a while. There's way too much for him to fit into one short story for her, and he doesn't want to go into it all. He doesn't even fully remember most of it. How can he tell her about all those years of childhood abuse that he suffered at the hands of his bro? How can he tell her that, every time anybody touches him, he can suddenly feel a cold metal blade pressed against his throat, can hear his brother shouting at him, can see Cal's eyes burning into his soul.  
"Dave," she murmurs softly. "You haven't said anything for a while," she says when he looks up at her. He pushes a hand up under his shades to fiercely rub a few tears away, takes in a deep breath, and then he tells her everything. It takes what feels like hours, and yet Rose hardly says a word throughout his whole story, she barely even seems to breathe. When he's done, and feels like every emotion he's ever felt has suddenly poured out of him, she stares at him for a few seconds, and then she bursts into tears.  
"All these years," she says through her tears, "When we were talking online as kids, you never said anything. We just thought you were fine. You should have said something."  
"I couldn't," Dave replies, "I'm sorry."  
She wipes a tear away, and shakes her head at herself. "I don't want to make this about myself," she says as she tries to stop her tears, "I'm sorry, I'm being silly."  
"It's okay," Dave says. He's crying himself, catching the tears with his hands as they trail out from under his shades. They sit silently for a what feels like forever, staring out at space as both of them struggle to find some way out of the darkness. With no warning, Dave falls against Rose's side, and when she glances at him for permission and he nods, she wraps an arm around him. Though the closeness makes him feel like he's about to suffocate, it also somehow makes him feel a little better. And when, after a few moments, he has to move away from Rose and take a few deep breaths to calm himself, she doesn't say anything, just watches him with a steady, understanding gaze that feels more comforting than any words or hugs ever could.

For the next few weeks, Rose makes sure to take time to spend alone with Dave. Throughout that time, he allows her to start helping him as best as she can. The others start to notice the way she will gently touch his hand at dinner, and then glance up at him, but, at Rose's request, they don't ask about it, and leave Dave in peace. Kanaya somehow becomes involved in the whole thing when Dave stumbles into her room to find Rose in the middle of the night, his throat hoarse from screaming at his nightmares. Kanaya disappears whilst Rose calms Dave down, and comes back a while later with a can of soda from can town. Dave takes it gratefully from her, and notes the way that she is careful not touch him as she passes the can over. He downs the whole drink, and then passes out from exhaustion in the corner of the room. When he wakes up there in the morning, either Kanaya or Rose have folded a pile of fresh clothes from him on the bed, and he's alone in the room.

After a while on the meteor, Dave gets closer to Karkat, which is something he had never expected. The two argue about movies and music mostly, and eventually Karkat convinces Dave to join him for a movie marathon one night. Karkat, surprisingly, is the first to fall asleep. He rolls sideways in his sleep at some point, and Dave jumps off of the sofa to avoid him. Karkat wakes up as the sofa moves under him, and blinks up at Dave curiously.  
"Are you okay?" He asks.  
"Yeah, I just think I'm going to go back to my room," Dave replies. Karkat watches him go curiously, but doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what he'd say even if he wanted to say something.  
Their movie nights become a regular thing, and eventually one night, when they're sitting in silence at the end of a movie, Dave blurts out everything.  
"I don't like it when people touch me," he says, but it all rolls out of his mouth so quickly that he's surprised that Karkat understand it.  
"I know," Karkat says, "Did I touch you by accident or something?"  
"No, no," Dave reassures him, "I just... wanted to tell you." Karkat isn't as good a listener as Rose, mostly because he doesn't really understand the human concept of family, so Dave only gives him a brief outline of everything. Afterwards, when Karkat can't think of a single thing to say, Dave just puts on another movie, and they don't talk much about it for a while.

Somehow, though, during their first two years on the meteor, Dave finds himself falling for Karkat. He doesn't know how, but he finds himself falling head over heels for the loud, annoying troll. He never does anything about it, though. How can you have a relationship when you can't even touch the other person? Dave doesn't even want to face the struggle of attempting that. But then as they're hanging out in Dave's room one day, relaxing on his bed, Karkat reaches out to grab something, and accidentally touches Dave's arm. Both flinch away from each other, but then Dave stops. For the first time in ages, the contact hasn't caused him to have a single flashback. He can still feel Karkat's touch on his arm.  
"Hey," Dave says quietly, "Can you do something for me?"  
"Sure," Karkat agrees, and watches in confusion as Dave picks up Karkat's hand, and places it back on his arm.  
"Just, stay like that for a bit?" Dave murmurs.  
"Of course," Karkat says. After a while, when Karkat slowly starts to rub his thumb in small circles on Dave's skin, and Dave still doesn't feel too bad, he can't help feeling proud of himself.

They work from there, and slowly Dave starts to improve. One morning, as they eat breakfast, Karkat rests his hand on top of Dave's, and Dave instantly grabs onto Karkat's without even thinking about it, lacing their fingers together. Neither of them say anything, but Dave can see Karkat blushing out of the corner of his eye, and Rose, sitting opposite him, has the biggest smile he's ever seen on her face. Even Terezi, who isn't exactly sure what's going on but always means well, tells Dave later that she's happy for him, and he makes a mental note to give her a hug one day when he can manage it.  
Karkat soon becomes the only person that Dave can stand touching him for long periods of time. It's not too bad with Rose either, but there's just something different about Karkat. Something about him makes Dave feel safe. Without even realising it, Dave starts to crave Karkat's touch. When Karkat brushes a thumb along his cheek, he moves his head so Karkat's whole hand is cupping his cheek, and leans desperately into the contact. When they watch movies, Karkat has an arm around Dave's waist as often as possible. It's still tough, and every time Dave has to move away from Karkat feels like another failure, but at least, when the memories come piling back, he has people there to help him. He no longer resents the way people treat him like he's fragile and creep around him. In a way, he appreciates it, even if it is a constant reminder of everything wrong with him. He makes the best out of a bad situation, and slowly, things start to improve.

By the time the game's over, and they're living on Earth C, Dave is much better. He'll still do anything to avoid people touching him, especially if he doesn't know them well, but when he's with Karkat he loses that feeling. Never again does he feel anything bad when Karkat is the person he's with. Every time he's near anyone, he starts to constantly imagine what it would feel like to touch them, to hold hands, and hug and playfully shove people, like all his friends do. He wants it more than he thought it was possible to want anything, yet no part of him understands how he can crave something he hates so much. Rose laughs softly when he tries to tell her how he's feeling, and explains to him fondly that what he's feeling something called touch starvation. After years of having no contact, he's started to crave contact with people, and it makes him more than angry when the same thing that he wants makes him feel so horrible. So many times, he goes to hug Rose, only to instantly panic and start to feel like he's suffocating in her embrace. It messes with his emotions, but, as Rose always tells him, he is still growing and improving, and he knows one day it will get better.

He knows for sure it's getting better when finally, after so many years of wanting it, Karkat presses a brief, light kiss onto Dave's lips one night. Dave holds his breath for a second, waiting for the memories and the panic to flood in, but it doesn't. All he feels is a rush of emotion towards Karkat. Tears flood down from behind his shades, and he pulls them off, throwing them aside, and drops his head forward onto Karkat's shoulder.  
"I love you so much," he chokes out between sobs, "I'll show you one day, I promise." And Karkat just slowly, gently, loops his arms around Dave's back, and rocks him from side to side slowly.  
"You're doing so well," Karkat whispers, "I love you too, no matter what, and I always will." Outside, the sun sets on yet another day, and they know it will rise again. Life keeps moving onward, and for once, Dave feels like he's finally moving on with it.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't like this, and I didn't really know what to tag it with, but I didn't just want to leave it sitting in my drafts.


End file.
